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Oct. 3rd, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

what is love? besides the EXO song?

I don't know. Is it real? is it a feeling, is it more than a feeling, is it an emotion?

I read, watch and listen to all this alleged love. but what is it?

English limits me and how I express the kind of love I mean. 

It's not like my love for my idol, or my love for my friends but that romantic or maybe even sexual love something like the feeling you're supposed to have when you find the other end of your red string.

i want to believe, how can you listen to music and not want to believe in love? no idea, i just want to i want to so bad but i've never felt an inkling of it. 

I asked some one how do they know it is, she said she just knows its real because she feels it, but how can i hold out hope that it's something to strive for if i don't feel it?

dem grls

(no subject)


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Oct. 2nd, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

i don't care if you think its fucked up but i definately can judge my state of mind by my playlists right, like the tone, the message, tempo etc. but the thing is right now it's so fucked up i go from listening to justin bieber to 4men then to like ludacris to joe hisaishi scores, to al green, seriously all over the place more than normal. 

and also i might add that there's something totally unsatisfying even when i think it's what i'm trying to listen to it still feels funny. i don't know where i'm at? (ignore that)


this is ridiculous.

Oct. 1st, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

i think now that even as a child i enjoyed solitude.

in this house in this family its a hard thing to come by. 

i dont mind so much living with these people, my parents and sister but i need autonomy.

i miss the freedom that i had living in the city.

 that freedom to just goand have some place you can goto all by yourself 

no ones going to bother you about what your doing.

life goes on and shit will get done so justslow down and chill for five secs

ya know?


Jul. 18th, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

Beautiful Strangers - PG

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May. 9th, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

She paces back and forth, pulling imaginary things from her head, screaming because they hurt her so much. Bang bang, she hit her fists on the table, shaking her head violently. "GET OUT!" she screams. But they don't leave, and she screams more and more. It kills her everyday, she's trying, trying because they say what she wants is bad, that it's wrong. Even when they're not there, she questions why it's bad, why she shouldn't just do it.

i feel too angry, too much hate. I need to vent but i'm all sealed up.

i want to explode into a million pieces and never be put back together.

Apr. 28th, 2012

dem grls

The Ball Game.

Feb. 20th, 2012

dem grls

(no subject)

dear miss tiffany hwang, please stop being such a babe, its totally excessive, you've maxed out your babe status.

Feb. 6th, 2012

dem grls

Drabbles 001 + 002

001 Ain't no sunshine - Bill Withers.

Sunny bundled herself in a ball of blankets, she'd left the curtains drawn keeping every beam of sunlight out. The only illumination in the room was the large oversized red numbers of the alarm clock that Tiffany had insisted on buying even though it was marketed for the elderly, but she wanted to be able to see the numbers from her side of the bed.

Her side of the bed. Sunny crunched in tighter. This wasn't the first time Tiffany had been called to the States for business. Sunny knew going in that Tiffany had a position where it would, from time to time, be necessary for her to have to travel for weeks at a time. But that knowledge did nothing to quell the depression and fear that over took Sunny every time she she had to wake up knowing Tiffany was not there. 

Her name my have been Sunny, but the truth was that Tiffany was the sun-- no Tiffany, no sunshine. And it wasn't just crippling loneliness that overcame her, she was terrified that Tiffany would never comeback. If she never came back then Sunny's world would end just as life on earth would without the sun. 

Sunny reached her arm out for another blanket, she felt cold. A coldness that radiated from inside her heart, her soul. Tiffany's friends knew that her relationship with Sunny was going to be nothing but toxic and Sunny knew it too, the bright girl might be the only thing that gets her through but she knew that she was no good for her he constant paranoia that Tiffany was going to leave, her extreme possessiveness, but Sunny couldn't let her go. She'd never let her go, she wouldn't,

Sunny just hoped that Tiffany would be home soon, she was growing tired of fighting the darkness in her.


002 Remembering Sunday - All time low.

Seohyun was running up and down the alleyways, knowing that the effort was futile, no matter how fast she ran, she'd never catch her, never find her. She knew, that if she stopped that she'd just break down, she didn't want to stop fighting yet. Maybe it was stupid for her to have even entertained the thoughts, that maybe they could be forever, that she could be enough for her. 

It had been a whirlwind meeting, Seohyun was simply riding the subway on the train home when a strangely beautiful woman ran into her and grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the car with her. "Come on," she'd called over her shoulder has she was dragging Seohyun behind her. 

For two days, this woman, who turned out to be one of the nation's hottest celebrities, took Seohyun from her life of order and monotony and colored her life in vibrant technicolor. She revived the flames of spontaneity with in the girl and Seohyun fell in love. 

Even in the two months after that, when Yoona was hiding out at her place, Seohyun learned that adult live needn't be so plain,  there was the wild love making on weeknights, spontaneous outings to find the perfect doughnut at three AM. She went to work for the first time ever with eyebags, without perfectly pressed clothes, she was breaking her rules and she was having the best time of her life.

The bliss she was living was was so high that this morning when she awoke and discovered that Yoona was gone, all her things, every last trace was gone. She panicked. She'd slipped her bare feet into her tennis shoes and ran out of her apartment fanatical calling her phone.

"The number you've dialed is not in service." She'd heard that message dozens of times, but she refused to believe that she was gone, that this was just a fling. Seohyun was not prepared for this, it hit her like a freight train and she just crumpled to the ground. 

Seohyun went to work with eyebags once again, sitting at her desk she found something stuck inside of her agenda book, a blue post`it. 

Sorry. I'll never forget you. -IY

Seohyun's emotional state was a wreck, she was sent home by her superiors, they urged her to take as long as she needed, not even knowing what was wrong. On the subway she prayed that she'd see her, just bump into her again, even though she knew it was impossible. Fate played dirty, but ultimately it granted her wish as she walked up the hill to her home, she saw walls plastered with that face, that one that brought so much joy and so much pain.


a/n- i needed to do some writing exercise to flex my muscles because i have a deadline soon... um basically song inspired fifteen minute pieces... um i tired shuffle but all the songs were in some language that there wasn't enough of a seed for me.

first time writing angst didn't mean to. i guess i could expand either if i wanted but i doubt i will.

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Nov. 7th, 2011

dem grls

Anonymous has replied to your entry.

I'm sorry, so sorry, I miss you, I miss so much, so very much. Honestly, I regret everything, every single thing I did just because I got scared. I know I hurt you, I let other people twist things around so that I rationalized that it was you, but it was me. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how good I had it.

Sometimes when I'm happy all I want to do is share it with you, but I know I can't any more. Honestly not a week or day passes when I don't think of you. I thought maybe that when I realized that I'd hurt myself too, that I could just get over it. But I can't, its like there's this HUGE hole in me. and I want you to know that I still care about you and I really really messed up, you were right, I was making bad choices. You were, I swear it, my best friend.

And now I can't even talk to you, I wish that you would call me, and just yell and shout at me, call me dumb, stupid and heartless. Show me what I did to you. You're completely gone. And I honestly don't think that this feeling's going to go away anytime soon.

I can't even tell you this because I can't even trust myself enough not to hurt you again.

This idiot wishes that you only taste the goodness in life and that you never encounter such a fool again.

이 바보 너를 사랑한.

Sooyeon's face was streaked with tears, as she posted the entry on to the online journal, thinking no person would ever actually care enough to see the words she just had to put down some random place because she couldn't tell anyone else.
Two days later.

Sooyeon was playing puzzle games on the computer before bed, and a new email notification popped up. "Someone has commented on you entry," she mumbled aloud, as she clicked on the message.

Anonymous has commented on your entry: "You can't imagine how many times I've dialed your number and lost the courage to press send"

Nothing could stop the tears that started falling, but thinking that it was just some online prank she closed her computer and slid in to her bead, tightly hugging her bolster.

Then the phone on her nightstand chirped. She reached for it and flipped it open.

"You've never apologized before -yoongie"

Her heart dropped, her mind asking if this were real. She deftly send back, "I'm so sorry, Yoona -sy"

Instantly her phone lit up with a new message "It's okay, I miss you -yoongie"

Sooyeon smiled and her heart lit up. "You deserve better than me. -sy"

"No Sooyeon, you're a bigger fool if you think I don't still love you -yoongie"

A/N: my korean is getting progressively worse and worse, if i made an error feel free to correct it. (for non korean reader's it's meant to say i miss you, this fool that loved you.)
this drabble is a little bit personal, but whatever, the ending is clearly just fiction.
i was playing around with stream of consciousness and evolved it a little. 
if you want to comment it would be nice.

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